On Sunday I walked all the way from the dining room to the kitchen and back. I almost fell once or twice, but was able to catch myself. And when I failed, Eric was quick to catch me. Then I needed to sit down very badly, so my nurse aid brought the chair. I slowly turned (just teetering on the edge of a fall) and dropped down in exhaustion. I recalled my exercises a while ago, when I was able to walk the full length between dining room and kitchen, and do a full lap in the wooden contraption in the living room without even appearing to lose my balance. I had felt so satisfied with my prowess! Eric saw my shoulders hunched down and my head bowed and told me an oft-repeated phrase: “Stop beating yourself up!” Then, he proceeded to list all the good features of my walking.
After days and days of dissatisfaction and impatience with the slowness of the pace of my improvement, I finally realized I was choosing the wrong point of comparison. I should have used March 2019 as my starting point. Back then, I was still wearing a brace to prevent my knee from buckling and making me lose balance. Since the brace was too heavy for me to lift my left leg, I needed the help of the physical therapist. This should be the point in time with which I should compare my walking on Sunday – I was able to do without a brace because I could lock my knee. My knee didn’t buckle! I could use a forearm crutch as a means of support because when I lifted it, I could balance. And I walked slowly, but I could walk. Eric didn’t need to support my hip to help me lift my leg. He only needed to walk behind me in case I fell. And I did fall, or came close to it. But, as my nurse aid had said, the only reason I lose balance was fear; I lack self-confidence, which will come back over time with a lot of practice.
And I do the same thing with my voice, and my diction, and my swallowing. If I chose the right starting point with which to compare them, as I did with walking, I’d recognize the progress I made, and be happy instead of discontented. So, back to the beginning: Eric is right; I should stop beating myself up.
After days and days of dissatisfaction and impatience with the slowness of the pace of my improvement, I finally realized I was choosing the wrong point of comparison. I should have used March 2019 as my starting point. Back then, I was still wearing a brace to prevent my knee from buckling and making me lose balance. Since the brace was too heavy for me to lift my left leg, I needed the help of the physical therapist. This should be the point in time with which I should compare my walking on Sunday – I was able to do without a brace because I could lock my knee. My knee didn’t buckle! I could use a forearm crutch as a means of support because when I lifted it, I could balance. And I walked slowly, but I could walk. Eric didn’t need to support my hip to help me lift my leg. He only needed to walk behind me in case I fell. And I did fall, or came close to it. But, as my nurse aid had said, the only reason I lose balance was fear; I lack self-confidence, which will come back over time with a lot of practice.
And I do the same thing with my voice, and my diction, and my swallowing. If I chose the right starting point with which to compare them, as I did with walking, I’d recognize the progress I made, and be happy instead of discontented. So, back to the beginning: Eric is right; I should stop beating myself up.
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